For fans of ’70s cheese, the prospect of a low-budget slasher flick set at a drive-in theater—and bearing the cheerfully blunt title Drive-In Massacre—is tantalyzing. Unfortunately, this particular picture’s appeal ends there, because the amateurish movie squanders every bit of potential its concept promises. Directed by rank-and-file pornographer Stuart Seagall in one of his only legit-cinema offerings, Drive-In Massacre depicts an incompetent police investigation into a series of murders committed by a sword-wielding maniac. Because, of course, the most interesting part of any slasher flick is the police investigation. A cast of unknown (and mostly untalented) actors stumbles through perfunctory scenes in which a pair of overweight cops interrogate crazies and pervs who work and/or hang out at the drive-in where the murders are taking place. Inexplicably, the lawmen never think to close the drive-in, which would seem prudent since people who go there keep getting decapitated. So while the chubby policemen periodically chase suspects through suburbs near the theater, the killer keeps chopping heads and evading capture. Over the course of 74 mercifully brief minutes, virtually nothing of any interest happens, excepting perhaps some fleeting gore and an amusing-ish performance by chrome-domed actor Newton Naushaus as the drive-in’s irritable manager, for whom the murders are merely another workplace inconvenience. If for some reason your curiosity about this picture remains unsatisfied after reading these remarks, seek out this awful flick’s trailer, which crams every watchable moment of Drive-In Massacre into two and a half lurid minutes.
Drive-In Massacre: SQUARE