The first half-hour of the lifeless UK horror flick Virgin Witch seems like some sort of randy fantasy that Austin Powers might envision—two comely sisters in London entertain notions of becoming nude models, which means they repeatedly disrobe and talk about disrobing. This dull but salacious stretch of the movie also features such pervy signifiers as a pretty young woman giggling after she’s casually groped by a stranger on the street, and—of course—a creepy-but-attractive older lesbian eye-raping a hottie while taking measurements of her nude body. Think Penthouse Forum: UK Edition. Then, once the action shifts from London to a country estate, where older sister Christine (Ann Michelle) has been hired for a weekend-long photo shoot, things slowly evolve from saucy to satanic. After several more nude scenes—bath, shower, photography session, and more—Christine and her younger sibling Betty (Vicki Michelle) discover that their hosts for the weekend are a coven of witches. Yet while the high priest claims he’s only interested in white magic, the aforementioned lesbian, Sybil (Patricia Haines), wants to dabble in something darker. Eventually, Christine is invited to a ceremony where she’s deflowered by the high priest while the other witches go-go dance naked around the copulating couple. Meanwhile, Betty’s boyfriend follows the sisters’ trail, fearing Betty has gotten mixed up with something dangerous, so by the time he reaches the estate, Christine has become consumed with whatever evil spirit controls the coven. This leads to the finale, during which it’s Betty’s turn to get stripped naked, slathered with oil, and serviced by the high priest while the other witches go-go dance some more. Cue orgy intercut with violence, then roll credits. Even though it features enough nudity for a porno movie—Ann Michelle seems allergic to clothing—Virgin Witch is incredibly dull. There’s no real story until halfway through the movie, the characterizations are nonexistent, and scenes drag on forever. On the plus side, the two ritual scenes have a certain sensationalistic appeal (think sexed-up riffs on Wicca), and the go-go dancing is unintentionally hilarious.
Virgin Witch: LAME